CONFIDENT MANIPULATORS

Every block-free and assertive person will be frustrated by the, unfortunately, many people they will encounter who have adopted a manipulative pattern of communication as an extension of their Basic Personality, imprinting, and, especially, their energy blocks. Give them a strong will (Ego personal desires, and/or SuperEgo values and ethics) and you may be facing a person who is determined to gently and subtly use language to manipulate you.

ACCUSTOMED TO CATCHING YOU OFF-GUARD with their "positive" confidence, they gain your support by expectations which you construct for reasons of your desires (Ego), value assumptions (SuperEgo) and trust through continued association (Unconscious - Reptilian Brain) with them. In other words, you don't expect to have to be on-guard with friends and associates with whom you would like to believe you have a personal or professional bond.

CO-DEPENDENCY?
They want your support and acceptance.
They will insinuate that you owe them something or that they May give you something IF you do something for them. They may suggest that your price is too high and that they may take their business elsewhere, but, it is a false negotiation. They have no specifics and they become defensive or quiet-in-denial if you press for specifics. This dishonesty of "beating around the bush" or "suggesting obligation" will highly irritate an assertive aware person who just wants to know what the specifics (reality) is that is being negotiated by suggestion.

HEALTHY ADULT or CHILD-LIKE ADULT?

The Healthy Adult is expecting communication from a physically mature adult to be that of an adult. What they are getting is a response from an insecure and greedy child who knows that if they are direct they will not likely get what they are asking for (love in the form of acceptance and benefit as determined by their energy blocks). The other person is neither being fair nor confident, or they would be open and honest.

IF YOU HAVE GONE ALONG with this dynamic for awhile, beware changing tactics in mid-stream. Manipulators will not understand why they are suddenly losing what they expected they would once again win by default, your default. And that, their loss, of course, will be your fault not theirs! No one likes to give up a habit which works so well, most of the time. Few people are aware enough, block-free enough, and assertive enough to not only catch the confident manipulator but to challenge them. Most often, the healthy adult is best to just avoid such persons, but that is not always possible or a choice taken.

ADULTS ACTING AS CHILDREN must be treated like children if you are going to hold them accountable for their insinuations, demands, expectations, disrespect, criticisms, complaints, and lack of acknowledgement. Either you are an accessory that encourages them to continue to manipulate, or, you are a person who values honesty and demands it of those with whom you interact. Like a child caught with its hand in the cookie jar, you can expect the adult version of a temper tantrum when you pin them to their words: burst of anger, denial, personal criticisms, defensiveness, constant talking, abandonment --- anything so as not to have to listen, reflect, or grow. An Adult would have been more explicit (open and honest) in the beginning and would have avoided this scene.

The adult-as child, having gotten away with their manipulative tactics many times before ... is fully "positive" and confident that they should also do so now. You have burst their bubble ... and taken "their" cookie that they were stealing from your jar. Expect them to become flustered, angry, defensive, ... either attacking you, or symbolically running away to hide ... in hopes that you will go. Or, they may feign ignorance and deny what they have said or done previously.

RIGHTS and OBLIGATIONS:

LIKE A CONSTRUCTIVE MATURE PARENT, the assertive person must stand behind their right to be treated with respect and use a tough love approach of making the child take responsibility for its actions. Instead of "rescuing" the child from the errors it is making by condoning them in order to avoid conflict, the assertive person must allow the manipulative child to learn from its mistakes ... usually by withdrawing the privileges which the adult-child wants, and, with "positive" fantasy expects it will get. This is very humbling for the adult for it demands that they respect the choice of the adult-as-child to make the errors likely to come from continued use of manipulative tactics, and, it is a choice which demands that the assertive adult withdraw real or prospective services and privileges which could benefit the adult-as-child.

SELF-AWARENESS and NEGOTIATION are the only signs that a manipulative adult-as-child is willing to grow into a "positive" and honest adult. That takes courage to accept that they will not always get what they want and that they will have to negotiate fairly for it. No longer will it be a contest of who can outfox the other intellectually with suggestive word games in which the needs of some adults are played upon by the deceptions of others. Nor is it a contest of wills determined by who can be the most stubborn, intolerant, inflexible, egotistical, or forceful.

GROWTH is the CURE and that requires those weak and needy persons to become self-sufficient and cease becoming the target of other needy persons. To the outsider, it is a psychological game, which is abusive, self-limiting, and wasteful of spiritual energies. You avoid the dynamic by cutting through it and demanding honesty and openness and fairness. If it is asking too much from the other person who is responding to you as an opponent to share with you as a partner, it will be their loss, not yours.

SUGGESTIONS and INSINUATIONS:

"POSITIVE" MANIPULATION can be expressed by a person making veiled threats.
Rather than be honest and direct and inform the other person of what their problem is that the other person could assist with, the adult-as-child (out of fear) may suggest that they will have to change direction, suppliers, mates, shared time ... so that they can get a better deal. The key to the ruse is in how it is expressed. Honesty would demand directness and the judgement would be expressed as a concern to the person in question. But for the adult-as-child, the comment is made as a casual remark floating out into the wind. If the co-dependent person responds they will either take the comment personal and suggestive, or, personal and denigrating.

A SUGGESTIVE INTERPRETATION is one in which the co-dependent listener assumes that the speaker is offering more than just acceptance for their increased attention and consideration. The listener expects something implied but not said, and, like a conspiracy of silence, the listener does not confirm the specifics. If the listener doesn't ask, he or she won't get a no and they will have their fantasy to motivate their action. And the speaker does not provide the specifics to the suggestions because there is no intent to provide them. If there was, they would not hide them.

We also use the terms "flattery", "cuteness", "romance", "flirting", and "playing hard to get" to describe the behavior and attitude. In business, there is a suggestion of "competition" or "negotiation" ... but it is, in the case of the manipulative adult, a half-truth, even a lie. There is no intent to deliver ... only one of keeping, or getting something for next to nothing. Such an outcome conveys a sense of worth, value, achievement, acceptance, --- to the manipulator.

DESTRUCTIVENESS arises when a listener provides the benefits which the speaker has alluded to and then acts on the expectation that the suggested rewards will be given. If the speaker has been using their manipulation as a form of romantic suspense and titillation, they may follow through with their veiled offer. But this will only be if the speaker has become somewhat enamored with the listener-target in the process of getting what they wanted. Otherwise, and more often, the listener and provider will be denied their reward and often entered into a new round of manipulation in which the stacks of the play are once again suggested, perhaps even increased. Something more is required, before the suggested reward. And, there will always be something more. One must have a very joyless and depressed life in order to go to such lengths to feel uplifted through success by deception or hope through projected fantasy. One is always living on the future of an illusion rather than in the reality of the present.

THE LOGIC of the CONFIDENT DESTROYER

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" is the logic of the untrustworthy manipulator.
Of course, they did not mean what you think they said.
Not them, they would never think that and how could you expect that of them. You misunderstood. That makes you the bad person. And, you know, they are partly right because you had the chance to ask for clarification and in your expression of trust, naivety, or need --- you let it ride.

EXAMPLE 1:
A woman takes out a gun, points it at her husband point-blank, pulls the trigger, shoots him, and he dies 20 minutes later. The conclusion of the manipulator: It was His fault! After all, he chose to be in that place at that time. He chose to stand in front of the gun. He chose to get shot. He chose to die. Is there something missing here in this Positive expression of innocence?

EXAMPLE 2:
A man participates in a business discussion about the plans and priorities of his department and his responsibilities. He takes a firm position that the department must accept and follow his beliefs with the suggestion that he will not participate if the others don't see the light. They see the light, and it is not his. They choose to take a different strategy.

If this strategy fails, the manipulator is ever present to pat himself on the back about what he knew all along: His strategy would have worked --- whether it has any relevancy at this point or not.

If the strategy of the others works, the manipulator takes a position of rejoining his associates as if he never disagreed with them. Of course, the strategy was good, he knew that from the beginning --- that is why he "supported" it. No, you didn't hear him say anything against it (!?!?). He is just your usual good boy teamworker. Either you did not hear him correctly, your memory is bad, or, he was just taking an adversary position at the time to get you more motivated to do what you have done.

THE DESTRUCTIVENESS of the logic of the manipulator is that you never know what they mean, want, will do, and when any of those will change. Their weakness of self and their Need for acceptance, power, security, intimacy, freedom, optimism, or success translates into a win-at-any-cost practice. Sooner or later, that ticks off any truly dependable, honest, and sharing strong individual who realizes that the manipulator is a Loser who cannot be trusted and who wastes one's time.

BY THEIR NEGATIVE UNTRUSTING ATTITUDE and Destructive Behavior, the manipulator, --- no matter how positive and confident they project themselves to be in it --- eventually is left to play only with others who are like themself: untrustworthy, weak-spirited, needy, egocentric, fantasy driven individuals living lives of desperation frantic with trying to get something they will never have: Adult Love.

OPTIMISM is Being POSITIVE and HONEST and OPEN

OPTIMISM IS being positive with an awareness of the present reality in terms of its opportunities, its challenges, its difficulties, and, the knowledge that one has coped before and will cope now. That is, there is a positive attitude which is built on experiences of having faced difficulties and found solutions. If one lives life in the present and without the self-imposed boundaries of status, authority, power, role, institution, cultural and familial expectations --- there will be continued demands for us to interact with others to find and carry out constructive actions which provide successes for others, ourselves, and they and us together. Unfortunately, few individuals in highly organized societies are given this freedom and few choose it. It is just so much easier, and child-like, to do what is expected of one --- and Not grow up to be independent, strong adults.

TRUE OPTIMISM grows from courage, spiritual strength, reverence, centering, self-awareness, feedback, and participation. The true optimist doesn't run from problems, discussions, arguments, conflicts, or disasters. They are focused on resolving whatever the issue or factor is into the most positive outcome that can be found with their participation. They are not interested in allowing others to make their decisions for them. It is their life and they are fully willing to take the responsibility for its gains and losses. For they know that only by making errors and sustaining losses will they grow in the strength of knowledge, awareness, and skills. No one can give that to them. They must earn it, and they accept that reality. A true optimist faces the negatives, accepts them, and works with them to convert them into positives, or, to diminish their negative influence.

AVOIDANCE is a temporary step which can be taken while one focuses on acquiring the skills, knowledge, therapy, environment and behaviors necessary for survival and enhanced health. In one's development into an adult from a child, one is sometimes faced with the opportunity to build new skills and awareness yet is tied, often for reasons of security, to elements of the past. These may include one's job, source of income, intimate partner, career, sphere of friendships, eating pattern, spiritual life, self-acceptance.

There is no simple one-step-fits-all choice.
You have to make your choice according to what you are willing to live with against what you are willing to go forward to. What is Your timeframe? How long can you wait? How long do you want to take? Here are three options. There are hundreds of variations that you can find that are in-between these. And you can upgrade or degrade your options anytime. After all, it is Your life!

Option #1: PRESERVING the PAST.

Simplest.
You simply leave everything as it is.
Every time you meet an obstacle, you step aside, do what is expected, don't get involved, take the safe route, hedge your bets, expand your profits, build your assets and your debt. Everything is as it should be. When it is not, it is the fault of someone else, or, you have, predictably screwed up once again. And, that is OK, because that is just you, and it was expected.

You do what you have always done, because you have always done it that way. You figured out the options once, and once is enough, right. You are as dependable, predictable, inflexible --- as a clock. If it did not work for you in the past, why give it a try now --- it probably won't work. Better to stay with whatever one has, because the thought of getting or making something better is just too anxiety producing.

Option #2: STRADDLING PAST and PRESENT.

Most Difficult.
This is like having one foot in the grave and one on the step to board a streamliner train to the future. The temptation is always there, and the anxiety, to choose one or the other. The Risk is always there, although you won't likely see it in time, of making a choice which leaves you with one or the other. At some point, the train will pull out. You may drag along for awhile, but eventually, you will either fall off, or have to get on board.

All of the Past knows what you have been before you build your new skills, awareness, and self-direction. They know what to expect. They know which of your button to push to get what they want. They know how little and how much to expect of you. They know when and where you are likely to be, or, how you are never where you say you will be. Expectations. Assumptions. Predictability. It isn't a question of Joy; it is a question of Security!

Most of those people of your Past will begin to get annoyed when you begin your new life free of the chains of expectations connected to the Past. Those who Really care about you will be thrilled about your new developments, your decision for eternal growth (like eternal life) and the positive outcomes they know will come. That is a real challenge for many of us. Suppose no one cares! The ultimate answer is that if You don't care, why should anyone else?

It is still a matter of connectiveness and social responsibility.
We may have to stay where we are and try to encourage others near us to get on the train with us. They may come along or choose to stay back. Whatever Their choice is, we must be confident enough within ourselves to let them follow it, even as we hope they will allow us to make our choices about Our Life.

It will be difficult, but if we are focused and consistent in our direction, if we have a mentor who can give us feedback and encouragement, and, if we pace ourselves realistically --- we can do it. We don't have to maintain all the mound of obligations we have built. We can limit our material lifestyle and the amount of money and time required to build and maintain it. We can limit our social and business participation through delegation, job-sharing, innovative changes. If we spend our time and energies and resources as we always have, there will be no opportunity for freedom and independence.

Option #3: LETTING GO of the PAST.

Most Effective and Dynamic.
Savoring every moment as if it has not existed before and making the most of it is the greatest stimulation for living you can have. It takes skills and awareness that we are not born with and that we are often educated to limit or deny the development of.

If you don't develop these skills, the demands of the material world and of a highly complex and powerful society with a great amount of destructiveness in its history --- will have you building energy blocks before you get far. It takes energy and time to build skills and awareness. Often the requirement for resources is minimal compared to the requirement for self-direction: deciding what you want and committing yourself to the goal.

The Past is always with you as long as you are obsessively drawn to it by your energy blocks and as long as you persist in reminding yourself of the greatness and the terrors of the Past. If your Present is a constant reliving of the memories of the Past then you are choosing to live as though your life is finished. People who can't enjoy the Present and who Share few Hopes for the future, rely on the Past.

The Past is not a mirror of the Future for in-between there are Changes to everything that comprises reality. The social, political, ecological, familial environment have continued to grow and evolve. Every person has the capability for continual growth, both physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Living in the Past is living with the dead. Living in the Present is like being reborn every day. Can you take the challenge and the excitement? Don't try it and fail. Prepare, then savour.

You have choices.

ENDGAME!

AFTER DEATH, we are all held accountable for what we did, and did not do. It is how our spouses, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, adversaries, associates, partners, teammates, customers, service providers, and everyone who ever met us --- remember us, publicly and in private. It is what God know of what opportunities we had and what we chose to do with they and why. You can't change the past then. It is too late for forgiveness and opportunity offered to you up until that time.

IN THE PRESENT, you have the opportunity to make changes which can bring positive influences into your life and into the lives of those you are in contact with. As long as you have life, you are contributing to the envelope of energies which comprise present reality. You are either adding benefits or squandering them. You can make the choice to jump into life and live it passionately, to apathetically and in denial let it drift by you, or to dabble in gradually improving your quality of life experience.