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1. A Benefit, or, a Disaster ?
Relationship Quality changes when you have CFS-ME.
Whatever you were experiencing beforehand with the other person, it will grow to become better or fall towards distraction, distance, and disaster. There may be periodic changes in direction. There may be steps in the improving trends or in the disturbing interactions. It may be sudden, shocking, and difficult to understand.
Have you ever noticed that when you want to do something different than the crowd, that many in the crowd try to stop you in some way. You may get comments like that sounds great but! Or do you know how dangerous that is! It doesn't matter if they are parents, other relatives, or a spouse. Not even a best friend. And worst of all, if there has been a closely connected group around you, negative comments about you, expressed with sincere concern (of course) will travel fast and be quite convincing.
Relationships are not made in heaven.
My apologies if that is a startling statement.
God may bring you together, independently, by prayer.
That perfection that you have for each other may challenge.
Yes, if you have an aggressive "strength", it needs to be tempered.
For you to be YOUR best, you will benefit from refinement.
Expressing your Strength simply & crudely will turn others away.
You may be so self assured that you don't notice the flies leaving!
For God to put two people together, what does that mean?
They must independently be humble and Listening to God.
They must have a commitment to follow the answers given.
It is easy to ASK God for all kinds of many things.
Yet, are we ready to here the answer?
Especially if it is something we don't like?!
And, if we do hear the answer, are we Brave enough to follow it?
To the extent that we show potential for God to assist us,
We must work through our maturing to refine our Gifts.
To be simply gifted refined personality traits would be like asking that we be born with a huge vocabulary, the ability to read and write, a golf stroke that wins all of the local courses, a speaking style that attracts the attention of everyone within hearing, and, an empathy which enables us to feel the pains, sorrows, hopes, and disappointments of everyone we come in contact with. It ain't going to happen. It is only through our own History of experiences that we gain awareness, responses, sensitivity, and, compassion. Gaining these without exposure would be like gifting feelings .. to a robot!
Perhaps you consciously selected your friendship.
You both have different strengths and/or weaknesses.
You respect each other so well that you have little to talk about.
You do not share the same skills, histories, or beliefs.
If you begin to talk about much of what makes you special, the other person can only marvel at your achievements. They don't know HOW you do your work, but they know that it is hard and you get paid well. And, you don't know how they find their hobby or a sport interesting, but it must be fascinating, though not for you. There is a simple arrangement, you don't talk about what is his, and he doesn't talk about what is yours. No arguments or differences of opinion. The tenth of your lives which you share will quickly disappear as you acquire CFS-ME.
Most relationships are chosen through emotional attraction.
For our OWN good, we must LIVE life and be Present.
We can only come to know what is relevant in any situation by having made some mistakes. If we had never made any mistakes, we would bluster ahead with no respect for the participation of others. If we are correct ALL of the time, why should we ask anyone else? Why should we acknowledge THEIR opinions, or actions? And, if we don't try different options, how can we say to others that some things are better than others, according to timing, or, quality. That suggests that God gives us the Grace to make mistakes so that we may learn the humility, compassion, empathy, calm, and respect necessary if we are going to interact constructively with others.
You know how hard it is to communicate, if you have CFS-ME.
When you are so distracted that you cannot remember why you came downstairs, it becomes difficult to answer the question from your "friend" as to where you are going? If you become frustrated, confused, angry, anxious, or fearful ... do you react with defensiveness against what may be experienced by you as a threat or accusation. Are you downstairs to do something WRONG? Is that why you can't or won't tell as to your present destination? Of course, you might simply be having a CFS-ME mind fog moment! And isn't that spectacular! And how is the other person to understand where YOU are. THEY have neither mind fog, nor forgetfulness.
Together, you both liked to share certain activities or hobbies.
Now, you say you can't go for a run today. You can't get out of bed!
You refuse to carry on a civil conversation? You seem to be missing.
You are responding as if you have only heard half what was said.
You are too tired to watch a movie, or, go to a restaurant.
And for discussions, world news has been replaced by YOU news!
Your friend is beginning to feel abandoned, even, rejected.
This must be true, because the experts say that you are healthy!
The reverse could also be true.
Together, you both liked to share certain activities or hobbies.
Now, THEY say they can't go for a run today. THEY can't get out of bed!
THEY are being cads, bitches, fools, and just plain difficult!.
THEY are responding as if THEY haven't heard half what was said.
THEY are too tired to watch a movie, or, go to a restaurant.
And for discussions, world news has been replaced by THEM news!
You are beginning to feel abandoned, even, rejected.
This must be true, because the experts say that THEY are healthy!
You quickly become unsocial when you acquire CFS-ME.
It starts off with you saying you will attend a celebration.
You plan for it, for days .. clothing, time reserved, choices.
Then, the day arrives, the hour arrives .. you can't MOVE!
You call to cancel with apologies, your reality sounds like an excuse.
OK, they will let it go THIS time, but, they REALLY want you there next time!
And, next times begin to repeat with the same disappointments and social-personal complications.
There will NOT likely be a pattern. Nothing to build into a superstition or expectation. Next time, you may not be well for several days before. Or, you may get to the party, and have to return home. Or, any number of other variations .. which usually end, or would have been better to have ended ... with you not going. You stop planning. You stop going. When you KNOW that you are better, and stable, you will REACTIVATE your social standing.
Significant people in our lives are often relieved when we separate from them, or, they separate from us. Whether it is separation by work, holiday apart, special events at a distance (like a family funeral or marriage), marital, extended medical treatment, or OUR death ... they can reconnect with others, in person. They won't feel they have to cancel because we cannot attend. They won't feel, nor us, that they are abandoning us to do their own selfish thing. They won't have to listen to our frustrations, groans, sighs, anger, complaints, wishes, or fears. They won't have to Participate in OUR illness. There are few couples who can reach any form of emotional and relationship balance in a reality in which ONE, or BOTH, persons are physically, and often emotionally, depressed a minimum of 90% of the time.
Positive Participation is NOT Protection.
Many well intentioned friends, relatives, and spouses believe they are supporting us by refusing to accept the Reality of our sudden and persisting limitations. They TELL us what we SHOULD do, how we SHOULD fell, and, what THEY would be doing if they were us. There are HUGE errors here.
- They are NOT us.
- They have NO understanding of CFS-ME.
- We are NOT being helped by THEIR panic.
- OUR efforts are sabotaged by their frustration.
- We are discouraged by THEIR anger & impatience.
One of the Worst Apparent relationships was that of my wife and I.
We had not known each other for more than 6 months before we married. We both became ill, with, surprise, different versions of CFS-ME, within 2 weeks of one another. We both have strong personality traits of aggressiveness (action, self-assertion, self-directedness). Neither of us had met the families of the other. Did this mean that our relationship was a disadvantage to our Recovery?
One of the Best Real relationships has proven to be ours.
We both had a strong spiritual center and believed in Spiritual Guidance.
We both had a history in the health enhancement fields and had much training and application. We both had endured lives of health challenges. Subsequently, we had each developed a health awareness beyond the norm. I had a long-term intensive use of Spiritual Guidance and could be a mentor about same. I had Recovered from numerous personal near death health crises and had assisted others in doing so. My parents and many of my relatives were already dead. Her parents were seriously ill and her family had much destructive imprinting. Separation from family was a bonus. I had well developed skills in research and discerning. She could enable opportunities for us which I could not longer afford.
Best Relationships are NEVER perfect!
If you think anyone can breeze through CFS-ME, without the information being provided in these pages, you are likely naive and don't have CFS-ME. Ever strength also has its accompanying weakness. Remember. The other side of Aggressiveness, is often, Impatience. This meant that we too often ended up expressing our intense frustrations through anger. It also included other Basic Personality strengths from two very dissimilar astrological Sun signs. I tend towards over-optimism. She tends towards over-control. I tend towards independence and freedom. She tends towards security and the material. She voiced all her emotions. I restrained most of mine. Her parents swam in conflict. Mine avoided conflict such that I never saw them argue. We were Fire and Water and a lot of steam transpired.
We survived and found Recovery.
We made our first commitment to a God common to us.
Our God consistently and personally Guided us daily.
When specialists and friends denied and abandoned us, God was there. When we could not cope with our illness state, our God was there. When we could not understand or be near each other, our God was there. When we were confused, our God provided direction. When we wanted to give up, our God provided motivation. When we hated our weaknesses, our God was forgiving and compassionate. Whatever YOU may wish to call this, I encourage you to find your own Spiritual base.
What makes a Best Relationship?
- Persistence
- Respect
- Limits
- Reverence
- Forgiveness
- Compassion
If YOU don't have them, Learn them.
Begin NOW.
If you do have them. Reinforce them.
Continue NOW.
What you do not exercise, weakens.
CFS-ME will weaken whatever is not exercised.
Signs of DISASTER
- selfishness
- conflict
- lying
- abuse
- violence
- murder
- fraud
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Disaster is all around us.
We are imprinted with it daily through our decades long association with conflict-loss-urgency news media. We are sometimes imprinted with it from parents who themselves had
Signs of Benefit:
- consideration
- calm, quiet
- gifting
- respect
- protectiveness
- rescuing
- honesty
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2. Changing the Environment.
3. Know YOUR Limits.
4. Know THEIR Limits.
5. Setting Boundaries.
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