COMMUNICATION - HEALTH - DISEASE.
Positive Stress Options.
ASSERTIVENESS:
INDEX
Introduction.
WE ARE BORN ASSERTIVE and taught and rewarded for developing passive-aggressive communication patterns. So culturally hypnotized were humans that little awareness or understanding of assertiveness was available until comparatively recent in recorded history. During the 1970s, North Americans began to be introduced to the concept and skill of assertive communication.
THE STYLE of communication choice has been increasingly revealed as a factor in the long-term health of both cultures and individuals. Assertiveness books, research, films, tapes, courses --- have all become more available as the 1980's and 1990's have passed. Yet even today (1999) most North Americans do not know what Assertive communication is, what its benefits are, or, the fact that communication style has a lot to contribute to one's enjoyment of life and success at and on all levels. Let's first consider some of the advantages of Assertive communication.
Advantages of Assertiveness.
Unless you are familiar with and use assertive communication, you probably are unaware of the great health benefits and relationship enhancements which it tends to encourage. It is often easily learned. It requires courage to set aside other patterns which are easy and suggest security because we have made them automatic. Courage can set you free. Freedom is a basis for trust and sharing.
- More direct;
- More honest;
- More accurate;
- More spontaneous;
- Less deceptive;
- Less complicated;
- Less manipulative;
- Less misunderstanding.
In REALITY, few things are solely positive.
Physical life is not something which happens while we are waiting for it. Benefits, quality, and value often come to those who are willing to put forward some effort (involvement), self-discipline (sacrifice), and flexibility (creativity and innovation). No one approach to communication can serve all and conflicting demands.
Advantages of Passive-Aggressive Communication.
IN OUR MATERIAL-CENTERED CULTURE, we require the politics of mass to avoid the poverty and insufficiency which often accompany individualistic lifestyles. Without mass production, there would be little if any modern industry. Without the politicization of communities into nations, there could be no basis for taxation and for community service such as police services, fire prevention and fighting departments, hospitals, schools, telephones, televisions, electronics. We have structured all of these to be sustained by leaders and authorities.
- More power;
- More control;
- More authority;
- More sophisticated;
- Less conflict;
- Less discussion;
- Less time spent;
- Less negotiation.
Disadvantages of Passive-Aggressive Communication.
WHY is passive-aggressive communication used so much if it is so often destructive?
In wars and emergencies, reflex-like aggressive actions can often decide a life or death result. Quantity of action can become more important than quality. We should never forget that in the many less threatening moments of our lives, mutual respect requires acknowledgement, listening, feedback ... and these source of interpersonal quality require time to be invited and experienced. A long recent history of wars and political conflict for the human community have left it with a war zone style of communication --- which serves to generate more new disagreements, misunderstandings, abusiveness, violence and wars.
- More intolerance;
- More abuse of rights;
- More role than experience;
- More prone to error;
- Less acknowledgement;
- Less self-responsible;
- Less creative problem solving;
- Less teamwork.
AUTHORITARIANISM is a result of passive-aggressive interaction.
We may enforce the rules and get the job done and end up angering, confusing, irritating, and making more nervous, anxious, and defensive those who are interacting with us. Military-style communication may be constructive in highly competitive and dangerous environments such as wars and emergencies. Their use in circumstances which require sustained respect and teamwork often result in disunity and dissention.
Disadvantages of Assertiveness.
WE FIRST EXPRESS OURSELVES assertively as children.
The major difficulty for mass socialization from such an "immature" use of our communication skills is that our Ego frequently clashes with the Ego and SuperEgo of others. For assertiveness to be effective at the adult level of communication, one should develop a respect for the rights and feelings of others. This is where tact is best used to replace aggressive and inconsiderate bluntness and abusive revelation.
TACT requires that we acknowledge the beliefs, emotions, attitudes, and experiences of others and hold as a priority the respectful treatment of other persons. Neither lies nor half-lies are ever necessary. You can stay true to yourself without having to demean another person.
- Instead of ACCUSING someone of being wrong, you may chose to offer suggestions which they may not have thought of yet.
ENCOURAGE, rather than convict.
- Instead of INSISTING on the actions of another person, you could request those actions, and, if unacceptable for that person ... seek a more willing person, or, undertake the action to completion yourself.
REQUEST, rather than insist.
- Instead of TELLING someone that you feel that they should lose weight --- why say anything unless you are asked for your opinion. Or, you could invite the person to share activities, meals, or motivational tapes which you have found helped to improve your health (not just lose weight).
SHARE, rather than tell.
WHEN WE FAIL TO USE RELEVANCY, responsibility and tact, we encourage others to view our assertiveness as "childish" rather than honest. Some of those disadvantages are these:
- More emotionally intense;
- More self-revealing;
- More humbling;
- Requires more tact;
- Less forceful;
- Less elitist;
- Less competitive;
- Less of a social norm.
Balanced Communication.
ALL STYLES OF COMMUNICATION HAVE RELEVANT USES.
Difficulty arises when any one form is used without relevance to the circumstance. Taking a course or studying materials which demonstrate the use of assertiveness in common situations helps to mentor one. Relevancy of communication will always depend upon one's quality of listening skills, one's awareness and acceptance of one's feelings and those of others, and, the ability to determine the requirements of an interaction and participate in a constructive manner such that positive results can be attained. Here are some general guidelines to help find and maintain such a balance.
- Assertiveness demonstrates honesty.
- Responsible Assertiveness builds trust.
- Passivity acknowledges self-weaknesses.
- Aggressiveness commands attention from others.
- Passive-Aggressiveness acknowledges leadership.
- Effectiveness demands relevant use of styles.
IN ANY RELATIONSHIP, the quality of communication contributes greatly to the continuance of, constructive growth within, and enjoyment shared by the participants. If the association is worth the time and effort to begin, should it not be worth the time and effort to build and maintain. Learn Assertiveness for it is the least used and the most often relevant and effective form of communication. Then, choose to associate with others who are assertiveness aware whenever possible. The result will be less interpersonal stress and a reduced opportunity for energy blocks and hypersensitivities to develop.
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